On Sunday morning I sat in eager anticipation, pen in hand, notebook in the other, ready for my next WORD Christchurch event. Editor and creator Lil O’Brien and contributor and author Lily Duval were in conversation with child-free content creator Danni Duncan, about their collaboration and involvement in the collection of essays Otherhood: Essays about being childless, childfree and child-adjacent.
The book
The anthology is a collaboration of diverse, insightful, moving, (at times) harrowing, and (at times) humorous essays by writers for whom not having children is their choice, as well as others where the choice has been taken out of their hands. It includes essays from foster mothers, child-adjacent women, queer contributors, and disabled writers, and everything in-between. It is not a quick, skim read, but rather one that you can pick up at any point and read any essay, and immediately be completely engrossed. It is from people without children who are pushing back against the narrative that everyone needs to have children.
How it started
The book was inspired by Lil reading Kate Camp’s irreverent and rage-filled essay on Twitter (as it was known in those days) about what she faced going through IVF (No Miracle Baby to See Here). She immediately thought it was a great topic, one that could be expanded on, one that needed to be expanded on, and discovered other like-minded writers (Kathryn van Beek and Alie Benge) with their own essays on the topic. After chatting together online, they realised they wanted to create a space where it was okay to be child-free, and to have permission to talk about it. Although creating this book was a challenge, it was also incredibly rewarding.
“..it is amazing to talk to people who just get it.”
The “decision”
An on-going theme was that although it can appear to be a black-and-white, clear-cut decision (you have children or you don’t), it is incredibly grey and nuanced. It had taken Danni two long years of uncertainty and introspection to finally come to the decision, whereas for Lily it was more of a gradual and natural situation. For others, it is not even necessary to think about; it just is.
Child-adjacent
Lily mentioned how she felt privileged to still have so many connections to children (namely her sister’s), how much joy she receives from being a part of their lives, and how this probably plays a part in being content with not having her own. Lil discussed that for others it is hard to define and understand their role as a “step-mum”, to children that are not their own and that they see every other week. Then there are the child carers and teachers, who do not have their own, biological children, yet still are greatly involved with children nonetheless. For others still, they may not have a connection to other children, even if they wanted it.
“There’s other ways to care for kids, too.”
The “duty” to do more
When the panel were asked about believing if as women without children there is an inherent “duty” to do more, Danni fervently and simply exclaimed “No!” Later, she expanded that she is a strong believer in people being able to live a “quiet life.” There are an array of reasons women choose not have children, from mental or physical health to the current climate situation, let alone fertility issues, and these are not just okay, but valid.
The takeaway
There are safe spaces and places to talk about these topics, ones where women without children are not judged, and can openly talk and share with each other, knowing they are both heard and seen.
More WORD Christchurch
- WORD Christchurch website
- Follow WORD Christchurch on Instagram, Facebook and X FKA Twitter
- Our WORD Christchurch 2024 page - event reports and books by Festival writers
Add a comment to: Otherhood: WORD Christchurch 2024